“Killing Me Softly”
Listen to this chapter, “Beach City Arrival.”
Something was wrong, dreadfully wrong; Julie could feel it in the very air. Why hadn’t Allen written? Too busy, of course, he would say. And it was true. With Allen working at the press every spare moment and being president of several organizations at San Margo Academy, it was hard for him to keep up correspondence with parents, a brother, and a sweetheart a hundred miles away. But he had found time before. Those rumors of those other girls—were they true? And what if they were? Must that be the end of Allen and Julie’s love? Was she still in love? Why did she feel this creeping, cold complacency?
“Don’t you hope he’s there!” an excited voice intruded.
“Huh?” Julie looked around. “Oh, I guess.”
“Well, come on,” urged her best friend Sandra, “let’s get back to the building; it’s almost time for supper.”
Julie was fully aware of her surroundings now. Earlier that afternoon, the young people and the minister’s wife, Mrs. Macintosh, had arrived at Beach City for the Youth Congress of the southwestern states. Julie, Sandra, and Allen’s brother Peter had walked along the beach for a while. Now they saw the huge Sports Arena and adjacent municipal auditorium where they held the meetings and served the meals. And the people! Surely there were hundreds of young people who had come for association and inspiration.
Sandra scanned the crowds for a glimpse of Bob, her husband-to-be in just three summers. Sandra could not understand why Julie was not as excited to see Allen. In fact, neither could Julie.
“Julie!” called her young sister-like friend Darlene, “take your meal ticket. Meet you guys after the meeting; I’ll be with Sandy.” And, as she dashed away, Julie unconsciously watched Darlene’s ponytail bob through the crowd. At that instant, she realized a presence—very near.
“Hi, there, Julie.” It was an old, soft, familiar voice at her ear.
“Allen!” she almost whispered ecstatically, not being able to not feel just a little delighted. But with a pre-determination to play the cool sophisticate—just until she was sure of him—she merely smiled with a brief, “Hello, how are you?”
During supper, everything seemed to be just perfect. Bob, who had come 600 miles from college that day, had found Sandra; and now they were inseparable. But deep inside Allen was tense, terribly tense. Peter hadn’t meant to tell him about Bill Johnson, the tall, dark, handsome stranger from Garden Grove; but somehow it had slipped. Would Julie tell him? If not, was he to bring it up? Just how did she feel, anyway?
Everyone in Riverdale took it for granted that Allen and Julie would be together. They had always been together, it seemed. Now they sat inside the Sports Arena, in the crowd, and took in the bigness of it all. Choirs and vocal groups from at least ten schools and colleges had joined on this Easter weekend in one mass choir; and now their 700 voices blended in a rapturous melody. This is as the old days, Julie thought. Everything will be all right now. Her mind drifted in reminiscence.
It had been so long ago, it seemed, when they first met. She had been a shy, lonely girl and he, a young confused teenager needing the social, mental, and spiritual security that only she could give him. She remembered the November rain, encroaching upon their very first date, and the weeks after that as he had grown to like her more and more. There had been Christmas Eve, the star, the rustic stone fireplace, the beautiful white Bible, and the way he had first whispered, “I love you, Julie.” And there had been so many other little things that only young and foolish first love treasures—the valentine and chocolates, the orchid, so pale and delicate, the walks in the park, the Riverdale Valley sunsets, the summer—but there it had ended.
“I want to move,” Allen said.
“What?” asked Julie.
“That little fellow behind us keeps kicking my chair. Let’s move up one row.”
Getting settled once more, Julie tried to remember how it had happened. There had been the quarrel, and she had gone out with the new guy Victor who came to town—for revenge—and the hurt in Allen’s heart that sultry July day. But hadn’t it started before that, long before? She only knew that what she had once thought was love in Allen’s young and foolish heart soon had turned to bitterness and downright hate that made life for her so cruel. The hands that had once held hers so tenderly all those times now slapped her face without mercy for little or no reason at all. The kind voice that had once praised her virtues was now filled with scathing remarks intended for the worst kind of reputation. For ten long months she had endured it, always hoping, down deep inside, to someday win back Allen’s love. Julie shivered now.
“It is a little chilly in here, I guess,” Allen said, gently placing Julie’s sweater on her shoulders.
“Thank you.” Julie smiled warmly.
Allen looked at her for a long moment. My Julie! So delicately pretty in her own little way. He knew he could never forget her—with her patience, her endurance, and her loyalty. Nothing but a diabolical instinct could have made him so thoughtless and mean. He had hurt her—dreadfully—and he knew he must never hurt her again.
He thought of Bob, Julie’s “big brother.” He was so good to her. Allen knew she might not have ever come back to him if it hadn’t been for Bob that week of the Riverdale County Fair last August. But she had come back and forgiven him like an angel. How could he ever give reign to his doubts that she really loved him—even now?
Julie returned Allen’s wink with a sweet smile as she breathed deeply. For such a long time last fall, she had been so unsure of herself if she really was in love. With Allen being a hundred miles away at school, surely it wouldn’t—it couldn’t—last forever. But the letters, filled with love, had come often until Julie knew she must believe what was true. Allen had changed from the heartless glob of inhumanity to a gentle saint. Bob had been not a little influential, but she could only thank God for the miracle wrought in Allen. And hadn’t she been praying for months for this to happen? God had answered and given this love for Allen and Julie to share.
But soon after Christmas, things had changed—slowly, almost imperceptibly; somehow, things just weren’t quite the same. Was it because the letters were fewer and farther between? Julie got more letters than Allen’s parents did. Was it the forgotten valentine? But Allen never had been too sentimental. Was it because of the girls Allen had dated at San Margo? Julie had urged him for a long time to date around, so he would be sure. And he had always replied, “Honey, if a man is offered bread when he has cake, what would he choose?” But now she had wondered: Maybe he has found some frosting! And what about her own recent restlessness and more-than-friendly friendliness to fellows who didn’t really appeal to her, especially Peter’s friend Kurt? But wasn’t it only cautiousness? Or was it a fear of the unknown?
“Wasn’t that last quotation from Longfellow?”
Julie started. “What? Longfellow?”
“Julie,” Allen said, “you aren’t listening.”
“I’m tired.”
“Thinking of ‘marvelous’?”
Marvelous! Julie felt her mouth start to fly open, but her pride held it shut. How had Allen found out that “marvelous” was Julie’s pet name for Bill Johnson?
“Marvelous?” she repeated.
The feigned innocence in Julie’s eyes amused Allen. “Peter told me all about it,” he said in quiet seriousness. “Haven’t you found him here yet?”
“No,” Julie blurted. “No, I haven’t seen Bill Johnson.”
Suddenly Allen felt fear—he didn’t know why. His Julie seemed like a cold, fragile China doll he could no longer reach. Once he got out of the building that night, he conveniently slipped away from her, retreating into his own little world, to think or unthink, to stall for time until he-didn’t-know-what-or-when.